Present Day, April 6th, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 7

This is where it started: Thursday, August 25th, 10 a.m.

133 entries ago I launched this blog. And it started by recounting a mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization I underwent, brought about by the lack of management of my bipolar. Three and a half years ago I began to tell my story in hopes that someone, somewhere might find it helpful.

Now, as we all find ourselves homebound and with time on our hands, I thought there might be individuals who would like to hear from those early days of my struggles. So I have provided a link above to that first blog. If you scroll to the bottom of it you will find a link for the “Next Article”. That will allow you to sequentially follow the story as it unfolded. Reflections of what it was like to be hospitalized. Reflections of what it was like to journey forward upon returning back home. Reflections on how the struggles do not just abruptly come to an end.

I thought this might be a good time to introduce other features of the blog as well. On the right side is a thought cloud called “Train Stops”. By clicking on one of the items in this section, the blog will pull all the entries (from newest to oldest) with that tag. For example, you can click on “medication” and pull up entries where I talked about issues surrounding medications.

Another filter tool is located further down the right side: “Catagories”:

  • Back Home blogging about life back home post-hospitalization
  • Brain Tracks thoughts from inside the bipolar mind
  • Music for the Road songs that speak to life with a mental illness
  • Out of Town posts related to my escape and subsequent hospitalization

Take today’s entry as a shameless plug to delve further into the blog. To see what has been left in the past. To see what is the foundation for the present. To see why the future holds the challenges it does.

Share some thoughts and comments as various writings speak to you.

And continue to stay home, stay healthy, and stay safe.

 

Present Day, April 3rd, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 6

It had been scheduled weeks ago. Maybe months. I do not really remember. Just like the plans of so many others. A Spring Break get-away. For us, one of the family favorite activities: camping. Reservations in place. A great break in the weather. Three days away from “it all.”

Then, as it has for everyone, everything changed. Not actually until the last minute for us. It was just last night that the governor closed the state park campgrounds for overnight stays. We almost made it. Nevertheless, the order came down, the campgrounds were closed, and vacation plans had to be altered. It is just the new normal.

In this case, for this time, it meant pulling the camper into the yard and setting it up for a staycation. Same dinner, just cooked inside and then eaten outside on camping chairs. Same games of ladder ball. And for my wife and the girls, the same sleeping accommodations. I just cannot be this close to my bed and pass up the opportunity to sleep in it.

You really have to go with the flow during this time. That is not my specialty. I am easily derailed and frustrated. I am trying to be less rushed and more patient. Trying.

I took our dog for a walk this afternoon. The usual route that I typically hope to navigate in about 35 to 45 minutes time. I took a different approach today. It was sunny and mid-60s outside. So I just let the pooch set the pace. She tends to stop and sniff…a lot. Normally I give a tug on the leash and encourage her to keep moving. Not today. Today I just let her sniff. I kept telling myself, “What’s the hurry?” “What do you have to get back to?” “What else do you have to do?” The end result was a walk that took about an hour, and still get me home in plenty of time for…well, nothing.

Truth be told, I continue to struggle. Struggle with depression. Struggle with anxiety. Struggle with getting my head around this whole situation we are in. The old saying says “One day at a time”, but I cannot think of another time in my life that I was living more hour to hour. Activity to activity. Just trying to pass time, make it to the next activity, complete another day.

It is terrible thinking that there are months of this still to come. And that even with that, literally hundreds of people may die! How are we not supposed to be afraid? How are we supposed to “feel” healthy or normal? How is someone with a mental illness supposed to manage their condition in the midst of this?

The family is in the backyard cooking s’mores. I should just join them and act like everything is okay. At least for tonight. At least for the next few hours of this staycation. But that is so hard for me. I just want to meltdown and scream. I just want to crawl into bed and weep. I just want to find a new way to get away from “it all”.

Present Day, March 28th, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 1A

It does not seem right to refer to this as furlough Day 2. It is Saturday. So I would not be going to work even if I had a job to go to. So we will call it day 1A. Tomorrow day 1B. Then back to the count on Monday.

Spring in my hometown is a bit of a weather roller coaster. Temperatures from day-to-day can vary by as much as 30 or more degrees making you unsure of what time of year you are truly experiencing. However, the past two days have definitely been spring. Mid-70s for highs. Sleeping with the windows open at night thanks to seasonably warm lows. Which makes for good opportunities to get out and enjoy some sunshine. Especially since snow is in the forecast for next week. I told you things could vary!

Today we, the housebound family, decided to go out for a hike. We took about a 30-minute drive to one of our traditional hiking spots, one of the few still open to the public in the midst of this chaos. It was reasonably crowded, as was to be expected, but maintaining our social distancing was not an issue as we would simply step off the trail to let others pass or the same courtesy was extended to us. Unbeknownst to us, there is a new parking lot for this trail. We parked at our usual spot unaware of the new lot. This would subsequently become a problem.

As we passed the midway point of our hike and made the turn for home, we discovered that there were new signs along the trail that referenced the direction to the parking lot. Of course, unaware that there is a new parking lot, we simply took it as new signage routing us through a new trail back to our old lot. Well, that’s what we thought for about 30 to 45 minutes. That is about how long it took us to become fairly convinced and conduct our own GPS check to realize that we were not heading anywhere near our lot. At this point, the options were pretty simple. Either double back the way we came or use our GPS to navigate ourselves to a place that we thought would likely be our parking lot. So off we set through the overgrowth and trees in hopes of finding our way back home.

My wife directed this entire part of our adventure. I simply tried to remain calm, quiet, and not become a stressor in the midst of a stressful situation. At one point we all had to climb through a barbed-wire fence, which was really no problem for anyone other than my fat self. And in the end, we might have picked up a tick or two. Other than that, we were none the worse for wear. Some extra hiking. Some extra time. Some extra sweat.

All-in-all, the pace of Covid-19 life suits me. There is no reason to get into a hurry because all we are all doing is heading back home anyway. Time is in abundance. As long as I can occupy my mind and keep it from racing away, this is how I prefer to live. Slow and steady. No rush. No urgency.

As long as I have to be furloughed…which I am…then I want to enjoy the pace. I know it cannot stay this way forever. But at least for now, it is a chance to find a place of peace. A place of ease. A place of comfort. A place that I have often dreamed of, and now seem to be living in.

June 3rd, 2017 – Musical Truths

I’m not afraid
Of anything in this world
There’s nothing you can throw at me
That I haven’t already heard

I’m just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And now you can’t get out of it

Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it’s tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don’t really need now
My, oh my

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You’ve got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm ’til you discover how deep

I wasn’t jumping, for me it was a fall
It’s a long way down to nothing at all

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It’s just a moment
This time will pass