Present Day, April 12th, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 11B

It is easter. Easter Sunday. A very weird day for me.

Today I consider myself an atheist, which combines with my lack of belief in the easter bunny to make this a fairly irrelevant day. That is a polar opposite for me.

You see, I spent the majority of my adult life in “Christian” ministry. Quite a few years of it as an actual pastor, and some in para-church ministry. This followed being raised as a pastor’s kid for the first 18 years of my life. All of which meant that easter used to be the day. I am talking the day of the year. Sure, Christmas had the gifts and gatherings, but easter had the resurrection. The whole church year was built around it. This was the day people would come to church that would not come any other day. This was the day we would cook the ultimate of feasts (well…maybe second to Thanksgiving). This was the day of candy, baskets, egg hunts and family. For the first 40 plus years of my life, this was the day of the year.

Now? It is nothing. Just another Sunday on the calendar. Granted, with plenty of Facebook and Instagram reminders of what day it is. Hell, even the Green Bay Packers account wished me a Happy Easter! But for me, nothing.

I have not blogged for a few days because each of the last few days have been just another day on the calendar. Very nondescript. Uneventful. Unworthy of memory.

I have not really felt deeply depressed, nor have I felt inspired. I do not know if I would call it a funk or a groove, but I have just been going through the motions. Up in the morning for coffee and social media trolling. Exercise. Shower and dress. Spend some time reading. Spend some time in mindfulness. Lunch. An episode of Black Mirror (highly addicted!). Maybe read some more. Maybe doze in and out of a nap. Walk the dog. Help cook, eat and clean-up dinner. Read some more. (Getting bored yet…I know that I am?) Eventually, call it a night and head to bed for more reading before floating off to sleep.

Some other activities mix in here and there and I blog about them if they are anything noteworthy, but most of them are not. Picking up groceries. Watching Jeopardy. Texting my kids to make sure they are still healthy and safe.

I attempted a gratitude journal today, but it was as forced as I imagined it would be. A couple of items that I am thankful for, and a few others that I “wished” I would feel thankful for. It seems like that is a start. Wishing to be thankful for something. Wanting that old attitude of gratitude. Hoping that someday such a journal will not feel like such a chore. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

I guess my mood pretty much matches the weather. Overcast. Not warm, but not cold. Windy. Rain on the way in.

Looking forward to better days. Because easter is no longer the day.

Present Day, November 26, 2017

‘Tis the season.

No time of year is probably more defining of my plunge into mental illness than the holidays. There was a time in my life when I lived for November 1st. When the day after Halloween launched two months of thanksgiving, joy, celebration, and happiness. Don’t get me wrong, there were still the challenges, arguments, and stresses that come with any two month period of life…but they were tempered by decorations, music, and those glorious days off of work.

Now I would describe it as being marked by a huge unknown. The unknown of what emotions will hit me, when they will hit me, and what they will do to my overall psyche.

For example, today was to be decorating day. You know, haul out the holly…deck the halls…stringing up the lights. And it still is. There is a box sitting to my left and three more hours of daylight with which I am to get the outside lights hung. But I simply don’t have it in me. Haven’t all day. Tried Christmas carols playing in the shower. Tried moving around the pieces of a Dickens-like miniature village. Tried looking over wish lists and contemplating Christmas gifts for those I love. None of it works.

Why? I don’t know. I have enjoyed a four-day Thanksgiving break which included quality family time, visits with my out of town children, and lots and lots and lots of rest. The weather is nearly ideal for this time of year. Sunny. 50s. Perfect for walks, taking in fresh air, and avoiding the sedentary indoor trap that can come with the tryptophan coma. Two date nights with my wife in the past week. And the prospects of just four more weeks until a 10 and a half day…yep, 10 and a half day Christmas break!

But still the darkness. The sadness. The loneliness.

I worry about the direction my life is going. The trajectory. On a scale of 1 to 10, the existence of medications has given me a fairly steady and consistent year, but one that I had always described as being about a 4. The last few months, it feels more like a 3.5…maybe a 3. My environment has improved (employment, home life, relationships, etc.), but my emotions seem to continue to slide downhill. Depression has gone from simply the norm, to a deeper and darker daily hole that I have to climb out of each morning simply to manage a shower and climb in my truck in time to arrive at work.

A medication change has been prescribed to attempt to counter this direction, and we will see if it does. Ironically enough, the next 30 days may make it hard to tell. They can be filled with so much happiness while simultaneously serving as such a period of struggle for so many people. Myself included. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” while simultaneously being one of the least predictable. Especially with a mind that can do its own thing and turn left right when you are longing for it to turn right.

‘Tis the season. The season of the unknown.

Present Day, Thanksgiving Day, 2016

Three months ago to the date my mind came unhinged. Three months ago to the day I was taken into protective custody. After more than 24 hours on the run. After the involvement of law enforcement officials from at least two different states. I was determined to be a danger to myself, and therefore to others. I was detained. Admitted to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Checked into the Psychiatric Unit. Began my first even inpatient treatment for Bipolar II.

Today in America is Thanksgiving Day. A day of mass family gatherings. Mass eating. Mass focus on what we are “thankful” for.

So, the question is asked, and the response is in many ways almost expected –

“What are you thankful for?”

“I’m thankful just to be alive.”

Except, and I know this will not be popular with many or even understood by most, it just isn’t that easy.

I look at it this way. There is this vast spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is “I am thankful to be alive.” On the other end of the spectrum is “I wish I was dead.” But in the middle is this massive gray area. The area where I, and I am guessing many people with mental illness, live many of our days.

Don’t jump too quickly to conclusions. This is not a declaration of being suicidal. In fact, maybe quite the opposite. It is a declaration of being alive enough to be honest. To be real. To be transparent. To recognize that “thankful to be alive” is way too simple of a response to describe where we live. Mentally. Emotionally.

Than what am I today? I have thought about that throughout the week. I am tired. Staying mentally and emotionally healthy is exhausting. To say the least. For each warning sign I have previously written about [Saturday, August 27th (Hospitalization Day 3)] there are seemingly countless activities needed to combat them.

And there are therapy sessions to attend. Meds to take. The financial implications of both to fret over. Books to read for their daily practical applications. Reminders to set. Situations to avoid. All while attending to work, family, and spouse. Fulfilling the roles that life brings the way of any given individual. Roles that don’t get suspended just because one struggles with a mental illness. And just like those roles grow tiring for the common person…as I see it through my bias eyes, exponentially so for someone living daily with Bipolar, or Schizophrenia, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or Manic Depression, or countless other diseases.

Is it possible to be thankful that I am not dead without being thankful that I’m alive? To be thankful for the many daily experiences that bring me joy, or peace, or love, or happiness, while simultaneously having the occasionally wandering mind to the eternal rest of simply no longer being?

For me, and I venture to guess many others, the answer is “Yes”. The answer is that there is this gray area in the between. A gray area that fills that space of pause when someone looks at me and says, “So, what are you thankful for?”