Present Day, April 9th, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 10

Two full weeks. Two full work weeks. Two full work weeks with no work. I am not sure which seems stranger: the fact that I have not gone into work for two full weeks, or the fact that by all accounts this is forecast to stretch on for quite some time. This might just be the beginning.

The company I work for is in an industry that does a major shut down around Christmas. That means I get paid, for an almost two-week vacation, on top of my other vacation time, every Christmas/New Year’s Holiday. It is roughly the same time that I have been off this go around. Of course, there are some differences. For example, you have the celebration of the holidays in the midst of those days which typically includes family gatherings and time with friends. Places such as shopping malls and theaters are open, so there is plenty of getting out and about. It is roughly the same time length, but an entirely different vibe.

Today I was supposed to receive my first unemployment check. No check. I attempted to access the website and determine the status of my payment. It has crashed. Money is not a dire issue. At least not as of today. That makes this one of those things that you just have to let go, and check back in tomorrow. Otherwise, it could be a crazy maker. And lord knows we do not need any more of those at a time like this.

Our local NAMI chapter had advertised a video conference today on living with a mood disorder. I thought it might be helpful, and since it was on Zoom I could attend without any video or audio. Just sit in and gather whatever information was being offered. Anonymously. It was supposed to run from 11 a.m. to 11:45 a.m. Apparently, the moderator of the group is not very tech-savvy and was unable to join in. As of 11:30, they were still trying to get him on board. I was always taught you start on time with who you got. After giving it 30 minutes, I bailed. Let it go, check back at a different time. Another crazy maker.

I have been reading On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. It is a powerful novel wrestling with immigration, homosexuality, abuse, mental illness and more. I have been watching a series on Netflix called Black Mirror. Each episode stands alone and takes a futuristic look at the potentially negative consequences of technology that we are embracing today. These things help occupy my time and my days. But the days still pass slowly. Another crazy maker.

I am supposed to be doing a daily gratitude journal. I cannot even count the number of times this has been recommended to me, or that I have read the suggestion in an article. I just cannot find any traction for it. Partly because I know I am not a very grateful person. Quite the opposite in fact. Very pessimistic. In less than a week I will have my next therapy session and my therapist will ask me about it. Will I have started? Will I lie about it? Another crazy maker.

The days tick on. The crazy makers pile up. The tilt of my sanity hangs in the balance.