July 8th, 2017 – Musical Truths

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

May 13th, 2017 – Musical Truths

Picking up the pieces that they left you in again
Love is all you want, but you’re never gonna feel the same
It’s hard to be yourself when everyone around is changing
Open up your eyes and you’ll never lose yourself again

And we go over and over and over again
Are you lost in the past thinking what might have been?
You’re here, and you’re now
Start over and then
Take it over and over and over again
Turn it up
Turn it up

Old enough to know and young enough to live again
Stare into the mirror but no one that you know is there
Shaking like it’s cold and no one’s there to take your hand
I will give you mine and share until you’re warm again
So don’t you look down

Turn it on, turn it up, turn it over and we’ll start again
Turn it up, turn it over, turn it up
Turn it on, turn it up, turn it over and we’ll start again
Turn it up, turn it over, turn it up

May 6th, 2017 – Musical Truths

I’ve got a God-shaped hole, that’s infected
And I’m petrified of being alone
It’s pathetic, I know

And I toss and I turn in my bed
It’s just like I lost my head (lost my head)

And if I believe you,
Would that make it stop if I told you I need you?
Is that what you want?
And I’m broken and bleeding and begging for help.
And I’m asking you, Jesus: show yourself.

I thought I’d met you once or twice,
But that was just because the dabs were nice
And opening up my mind
Showing me consciousness is primary in the universe
And I had a revelation

I’ll be your child if you insist
I mean, if it was you that made my body
You probably shouldn’t have made me atheist

I’m a lesbian kiss
I’m an evangelist
And “If you don’t wanna go to hell then, Miss,
You better start selling this.”

And if I believe you,
Would that make it stop if I told you I need you?
Is that what you want?
And I’m broken and bleeding and begging for help.
And I’m asking you, Jesus: show yourself.

If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?

March 18th, 2017 – Musical Truths

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

March 4th, 2017 – Musical Truths

Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I’ve trained myself to give up on the past ’cause
I froze in time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind because the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I’m standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

“Hey, I wanna get better!”

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

I go up to my room and there’s girls on the ceiling
Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling
Of an eighteen year old who didn’t know what loss was

Now I’m a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I’m staring at the interstate screaming at myself,

“Hey, I wanna get better!”

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

‘Cause I’m sleeping in the back of a taxi
I’m screaming from my bedroom window
Even if its gonna kill me

Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said to get better

So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet
And I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away
That’s why I’m standing on the overpass screaming at myself,

“Hey, I wanna get better!”

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

January 14th, 2017 – Musical Truths

I was the knight in shining armour in your movie
Would put your lips on mine and love the aftertaste
Now I’m a ghost, I call your name, you look right through me
You’re the reason I’m alone and masturbate

I, yeah, I’ve been trying to fix my pride
But that shit’s broken, that shit’s broken
Lie, lie, l-lie, I try to hide
But now you know it

That I’m at an all time
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I was the prototype like 3 stacks on that CD
An example of the perfect candidate
Now all your girlfriends say that you don’t want to see me
You’re the reason that I just can’t concentrate

Thursday, August 25th, 10:26 p.m.

It is right there in the notes. The patient log. A direct physician’s order to provide me with 50 mg of Seroquel my first night in the psychiatric unit. Something to help me sleep, which I had basically not accomplished to a significant extent for more than 48 hours and to a healthy extent for weeks. Not to mention its assistance with depression and Bipolar Disorder.

However, it never came. In fact, I went to bed that night finding it extremely odd that after more than 12 hours in “protective custody”, emergency room care, and settling into the psych ward I had yet to place a single pill in my mouth. Not even a Tylenol PM.

Looking back, I fell asleep relatively quickly and slept relatively well. With significant emphasis being continually placed on “relatively.” Let’s face it, I was completely wiped out. Trashed. And I was resigned. For the moment. There would be future bouts and attempts to take back control of my situation, but not now. There was no way I was getting out of this room, in this ward, in this hospital, in this city on this night.

So I laid on the bed. The door was cracked with a stream of light coming in from the darkened halls. At the time, I assumed I was not allowed to close it completely. Subsequently I would learn otherwise, though leaving it open sure made the periodical nurse visits to check my vital signs and bed checks a bit more peaceful.

A mattress, sheet set, and pillow that would have on almost any other night of my life made sleep nearly impossible felt unusually comfortable compared to the lawns, benches, and train seats I had attempted to rest upon for the past two days on the run. The blinds had been left open to my right. A window that largely covered the entire spans of that wall in my room. The night lights of Chicago that could find their way to the 14th floor twinkled and flickered.

I do not remember all my thoughts of that evening, nor how long I remained awake. This one thing I do remember feeling deep down inside my heart…I was a mere shell of whoever I was born to be. The seven-year-old boy playing Little League. The 8th-grade member of the Junior High basketball team. The High School All-Northern California Honor Band trumpet player. The honor student. The Master’s Degree recipient. The husband. The father. The sole proprietor. They were all titles. All history. All accomplishments that seemed to belong to someone else.

Not a different person. The same physical body. But someone else. Someone other than this man lying on this bed in this room on this night. What was left of the mind of this man. What was left of the emotional stability and strength of this man. It had once again been fractured and broken in a more profound way than any of the times before.

And I had no idea if there would be found even enough left of “me” to truly constitute the person that was me.