Present Day, April 4th, 2020

FURLOUGH – day 6A

Today was cancelation day. A sad day in a series of sad days. In a sad period of history. I had been putting it off for a few weeks and decided today to bite the bullet and get it over with.

My daughter is a senior at NYU. In case you do not have any children in school you may not make the connection that this has become a very awful year to be a senior. Four years of hard work are coming to a very awkward and abrupt ending. Though maybe abrupt is the wrong word. It is more like a suspended ending. An endpoint that is a moving target with no finality yet to be determined. All the pomp and circumstance on hold like a phone call where you wonder if anyone will ever pick-up the line.

Her being a senior meant that I had travel plans. My first trip to New York was on the books. I had faced all my anxiety and apprehension about traveling to such a mammoth city of hustle and bustle and turned it into excitement. Flight. AirBNB. All the arrangements were in place for four days of site seeing, and celebration with her. At the centerpiece of it all were her graduation and commencement ceremonies at such iconic places as Radio City Music Hall and Yankee Stadium respectively.

That was all pre-Covid-19. Now it has all been “postponed”. Her classes are finishing up remotely, and the celebrations are up in the air. At what point does postponed become canceled? At what point does postponed become irrelevant to her life and moving forward into the next phase? Because right now, we have no idea at what point all this comes to an end.

When the postponement was first announced I held off on any cancelations. I thought it might work out that I would still go to New York to see her. To be with her. To let her be my tour guide, and just enjoy the father/daughter time together. However, as time passed, it became clear that New York was not going to be a place to travel to. Not by mid-May. Not for quite some time to come. But I still could not get myself to do it. I felt like I would be a part of crushing her dream. That I would be playing a role in bringing an inappropriate end to her journey.

Today I moved forward with the cancelations. Not sure why I picked today. I merely found myself at my computer with nothing else to do, staring at the confirmation emails for my bookings, and realizing it was time.

My heart breaks for my daughter. She, like so many other people, is being robbed of something valuable. Granted, not as valuable as a life, but nevertheless something very significant. There is a finality to a graduation ceremony. A pride in the accomplishment that it represents. There is something to family traveling from afar to join with you in celebrating the culmination of years of hard work, which at this point of your life, make up a fairly significant percentage of your existence. That is being taken from her, and I hurt for her. I mourn for her.

I also mourn my loss as her parent. The joy that comes when you hear your child’s name called out and they walk across that stage. The warmth that comes with seeing her face-to-face and knowing she is well and she has done well. The love that is difficult to express over hundreds of miles as compared to in the embrace of a hug.

Like everyone, my life is surrounded by unknown. I do not know if the trip will get rescheduled or when. More difficult, I do not know when I will get to see my daughter again. I spend my days overwhelmed with thoughts for her safety in the epicenter of this unrelenting virus. I spend my nights hoping that there will be a cosmic reset button that puts life back on track with where it was before all hell broke loose.

Today was cancelation day. A sad day in a series of sad days. In a sad period of history.